When I signed into blogger I noticed I had one less follower then when I posted the other day. I usually don’t pay much attention to the number but notice it now when I log in. But I am not bothered, which is odd because I tend to be a sensitive person. The way I see it is that this is my journey. It may not be inspiring to people when I am coming back after putting ALL my weight back on…plus some. I am not running half marathons and losing weight regularly yet. I am not posting about my accomplishments or how great things are going (yet). But this is my reality right now. My struggle. My journey. And I accept it…because otherwise I play the denial game and would continue to get bigger and bigger. Of course I want to be inspiring to others through this blog. But….Life isn’t always easy, and its not REAL if I only post about the good things. I am not perfect. Life isn’t always perfect. There are bumps in the road, and obstacles that stand in our way. Some are bigger than others. Its what we do when we get to those bumps and obstacles that matter.
Speaking of perfect, I have been thinking about what my actual goal is(again…sigh). I was down to 160 lbs at one point a while back, and that was still considered overweight for my height and frame. Yet for me, I do believe I was happy at that weight. I felt good. My body felt good. I wore a size 10(even with the Fupa). When I ran my half marathon I weighed about 180 lbs. Again, I felt good. My weight a bit higher, but there is no doubt I was somewhat fit. I ran for 13.1 miles straight! I am still in awe of that. At any rate, I know lots of people who ARE at their ideal weight, yet they don’t exercise an ounce, or they smoke, or eat like garbage, drink lots, etc. And sometimes I am jealous that they don’t have to think about exercise, or every single thing they put in their mouth and how it will affect their weight and pants size. But I have learned that its one thing to look healthy and its another thing to BE healthy. I learned the other day when I tried to run at 240 pounds, that I WAS healthy back then. I see now that it took great endurance, stamina, and strength to run that half marathon. I WAS healthy, even if I was still overweight according to some chart.
One of my greatest accomplishments was that half marathon in October 2011. And before that, it was my first 5K, and then my first 10K. These experiences changed my life. They showed me what I am capable of if I just put my mind to it. They showed me that I can be fit and wear cute clothes. They showed me I can be confident and proud of myself. Now that I am back at square one(or maybe even behind that). I cant even run a half of a mile without stopping and being so uncomfortably out of breath, I realize and appreciate just how fit I was. This is a HUGE lesson learned for me. Putting the weight back on stinks, and having to redo all my hard work to get it back off stinks, but figuring things out in my head and learning from them is priceless.
On that note, I have felt in control of my eating and plan to incorporate some exercise very soon. I am in the right mindset, finally.
Jennifer
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